Monday, May 25, 2009

Recap: 5/25 Turning 5 & the Future

For the record, this episode was very disjointed. They tried hard to build drama (failed) and the focus was the party and talking about the relationship. But they didn’t do a very good mesh.

They start the train wreck by saying that they are two different people and it’s hard. They are on a new confessional couch, but not at the same time (until much later, and it was for a short time).

Kate: immediately bitches that she can’t control the paps.

Jon: whines he didn’t sign up for this. Jon said he never read a tabloid magazine until he was in one- Right.

Kate: whines that it affects your privacy.

Jon: denies any wrong doing- he never cheated and he was just hanging out and he doesn’t care who believes him- very defiant. And he says Kate only, “knows what she knows”. Whatever that means.

Kate: What makes Kate most pissed off is that Jon made mistakes and while she’s doing “what she’s supposed to do” with bodyguards and working --- no one is going to “take her down” because of that. What this really means is that no one is taking her gravy train away over a piece of ass that she couldn’t keep her hands off of.

Jon: says that one day the kids are going to Google him and he hopes they understand it is crap. He apologizes to his family.

Kate: is pissed and angry. She says she’s been dealing with it for at least 6 weeks if not longer.
Jon: resents the duties of taking care of the kids.

Kate: says he does have help and he isn’t doing it alone.

Jon: is angry at her. Yet he doesn’t feel great about her and wants her to travel (meaning he doesn’t want to be around her).

Kate and Jon: No one knows what the solution is.

Kate: admits being a bitch, er “hard” over the last 10 years. She regrets it. Did she push him to this? No, because everyone is responsible for his own actions. She doesn’t know what the solution is--- uh, end the show maybe? None of this is what Kate envisioned for “us, him” “he’s made some very poor decisions”. Yes, Kate, we realize you’re playing the martyr card. It isn’t working.

Then it is on to the 5th birthday party. The day before the party (which is a week late, btw) she takes them (by herself) to pick out decorations. If we remember, she still had the bodyguard with her that day. We see the kids at the table belching before shopping. They are going to have a bouncy party. We see them throwing away breakfast dishes… more landfill for paper plates, and cups. No recycling present!

Kate went “by herself” because Jon needed a weekend off. Sorry, Kate, but we saw those pictures and your body guard was right there with you!

The furniture in the house is hideous, by the way- Goodwill rejects. Now, TLC seems to think we want some cute kid time. Problem is that these kids are past cute and on to monsters and disrespect. Jon says the boys wrestle and are the three stooges. The girls roam around and so do the boys. Where the hell is a parent? We get to hear one kid call another a “butt pooper”. Nice.

They finally get to the store. Kate says she stops Joel from saying Paparazzi… but that isn’t true. He didn't say "there's the paparazzi." She said, “Be quiet, the paparazzi are watching us,” and he said, "What are paparazzi." Kate says she won’t let them say paparazzi--- they have to say the “p people”. Whatever, we know it is all lies, Kate.

I noticed we didn’t get to see much shopping. Methinks it was much more stressful than Kate lets on. They finally get everything and go home. Kate actually seems to bring in everything alone…

Kate blabs about the book tour. She calls it a combined book tour—bullshit- she had 2 book tours. No publisher combines tours. She is appreciative of fans—because they pay her salary. She even likes us nay-sayers. I feel strangely sullied.

Kate says Jon wants to “bust out and make everything go away.” She said it isn’t. At least Jon admits it is a business. He did all this because he loves his kids and family. Not one mention of loving his wife, Kate.

Kate whines that she’s being called the baby sitter's, er no-no-nanny's name. News flash—interact with your kids more often. But are the kids happy, healthy, safe and loved? If yes, Kate can keep raking in the cash. Are they safe when Jon is whoring? If yes, Jon can go whoring and Kate can continue to ignore the situation.

Kate gives the kids candy for being good at the store. I see Runts and other assorted, non-organic food stuffs on the table. They stuff the bags and Kate whines about the assembly. I am surprised they are having friends over—must be paid extras.

They had to get “crafty” to ditch the paps….. As we know, the paps were on it and found them anyway. Danny and Clark, part of the TLC staff, were helping, so Kate didn’t have to do it alone (or pay anyone extra). Just like I am sure she didn’t do the kids hair or clothes.
So the kids and paid extra children show up. With other moms that must have been paid too. Mady and Cara get to invite one kid. One of the bouncy things had water in it-“someone” was going to take care of it—more help for Kate. Jon played the bitch and did Kate’s cake finding for her. Kate bitches because the kids aren’t playing enough—“should we just have a party with food next year”. Again, she threatens the children because she doesn’t think they do things the way they should. Bitch.

Kate says she’s “dying of freezing”. Love her backwoods Pennsylvania speech.

Kate is shudders with an orgasm over the paps in the woods. As much as she says she shuns them, she sure spends enough time strutting for them.

Jon asks one of the kids who she invited. She said, “Graydon” and he is her “buddy”. Jon looks so checked out- or high. She says “Daddy, I don’t want you to leave anymore” Where was he? Surely not spending the night with Deanna or his mother! Jon made a lame excuse about taking about work—what work? He’s at loose ends, remember?

So then a magician is coming. Kate kisses all the kids—a birthday kiss—thanks mom! Ick. Nast.
Kate farts with the chocolate cake with peanut butter icing. And she fakes a cry about her kids being 5. Jon is trying to light the candles and it is windy. He’s getting them but she says “Light the 5, PLEASE light the 5”.

Now come the piƱatas…. Jon tells a girl to hit it hard like her brothers—positive reinforcement. Wonder if the candy is organic? One kid says “thank you for my birthday mommy” and she didn’t hear him until another mom said “oh that’s sweet” and the nice Kate face came on….

Then for the 5 year montage……..And then commercial before the real drama….

They don’t know where they are. Kate says she’s into everything she’s doing for the kids. She works, breathes and wakes up because of her kids. She won’t let any of this harm them. You can’t stop it dumb ass. Jon quit his job to stay home 2 years ago. He does what he does for his kids.

What the future holds? Kate says she’s here every minute working doesn’t require her to be away. Jon says he’s there for his kids.

Kate cries and doesn’t want to ruin her makeup. What a great priority. The birthday photo could be the last family picture. Trying to be the martyr. Looking back and realizing that parents with multiples have triple the divorce rate and knowing they were going to beat it- she doesn’t know if she can say that now. They are two different people- they weren’t before? She’s tried for 6 months to fix the problem and she doesn’t know. “It’s so complicated”. They pulled off the party if nothing else. No Kate, it isn’t complicated. Stop the show and work on your marriage or shut the fuck up and get a divorce and try to keep a “family” show as a single mom and a so called “Christian”. WHICH, BTW, NOT ONE MENTION OF GOD. BY EITHER OF THEM. NOTHING. WHERE WAS GOD IN ALL THIS GARBAGE? I call bullshit on their Christian act.

Jon says they love their kids and it doesn’t matter if they are married. All of that is between him and Kate. As long as they are safe, taken care of and loved- it doesn’t matter- it is their business. So then get out of the public eye and keep your dick out of skank vagina!

Kate needs to go to bed knowing she has done her best. Then stop the show and work on your relationship, you dumb fuck.

The final scene makes zero sense in this episode. They are having a cookout at the house now. The kids are eating hot dogs while he’s grilling a TON of chicken and scallops. Why? Feeding the crew? Imaginary friends?

Jon says he can’t picture the future. So they put up the family show for the kids. Kate continues to wear the hideous dresses. Jon says if you can be friends whether you’re married or not, it benefits them in the long run. Kate claims that there isn’t the kid’s fault and they deserve the best from both of them- “doing the best for the kids.” That’s right, make sure the kids don’t get sick so that you can’t pimp them anymore.

They are clearly separated and pimping the kids (still) and the new situation for ratings. Next week where Mady and Kate have mommy-daughter time must have been torture for Mady. Hint: Jon and Kate- if you are supposed to work on your marriage, you need to be together. If you aren’t going to work on it, just separate and don’t rape the public by keeping them guessing. If it is between you and Kate, Jon, then stay off the show. Don’t be a part of it. Grow some balls.

Kate’s life is full of choices, as Jon said his mother told him life was. Kate chooses to be a bitch, to pimp her kids and to keep the gravy train rolling. She has no one to blame but herself.

Jon chooses to voice his opinions through Kevin and Jodi and will not stand up for himself much. He chooses to stay with Kate or to work with whatever arrangement they have. He has no one to blame but himself.

The kids choose to be cooperative; because I am sure there is hell to pay if they don’t. They have no one to blame but faulty laws and bad parents. I am sure they will each write a fantastic book about their lost childhoods.

All in all I think this season will blow. They will try to make their marriage drama into something more than it is, since Jon has a contract that lets him screw anyone he wants. They are doing a lot of crossovers- Emerill, Ace of Cakes, American Chopper-- probably to try and cut the awkwardness of this season. Additionally, I wouldn't be surprised to see a marriage counseling session that tells them to be together, so this is what they do. Kate's book tour has to be winding down, she has another book to get out. Which will mean more travel. Overall, I give this a big yawn.

Tonight is the night!

Despite the holiday weekend, more has been written about the Gosselins. Nothing earth shattering. Just more about the money making opportunity of the Greedy Gosselins and Jodi urging everyone to not watch the show. (As if that is going to happen....)

I found this article one of the better ones that didn't just rehash what's already been said.

You can read it below or at The Washington Post. My comments are below as well.

Back for More
'Jon & Kate Plus 8,' TV's 10-Passenger Family Train Wreck, Returns for a Fifth Voyeuristic Season
By Hank Stuever
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, May 25, 2009

Jon and Kate Gosselin come back to television tonight for a fifth season of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" (TLC at 9), trying like crazy to keep up appearances and hold fast to the essential myth they've projected: We're just a normal suburban family with a bunch of matching children, and gosh, it's insane sometimes, but faith and love -- and free merchandise and trips -- will see us through! (If it truly is another season of freebies-I'll have to seriously reconsider tuning in- they may be fast forward recaps!)

Meanwhile, a growing audience ravenously awaits the couple's marital immolation in the burbs of Berks County, Pa. The schadenfreude circle of manufactured celebrity is nearly complete, as "Jon & Kate" (forget the pitiable eight) now becomes a very different TV-watching experience. It's as if a mean genie lives in the tube, making our worst wishes come true. (This author gets it- shadenfreude indeed!)

Jon stands accused of having an affair (which he denies, despite the usual telephoto-lens paparazzi evidence and the anonymous dog pile of quotes from acquaintances who've dished to Us Weekly, et al.), and while technically evasive on details, he is quite open about his overall unhappiness: He doesn't want to be a TV star. He never got to sow his oats in his 20s, as he was too busy submitting to the fertility specialist's beaker. He's a prisoner in the $1.1 million home that reality TV forced him into. He is withered by the succubus he married, a shell of a man, staring at the camera with dead eyes. (Ain't it the truth? Jon hates his life and he doesn't have the balls to leave. Jonny boy LOVES the money- just not the smelly, fishbait cunt he's married to!)

Kate, the unapologetic and sometimes deeply cutting nag, now tours the country, relentlessly promoting books of her feel-good, quasi-spiritual, best-selling parenting advice. She wears that bizarrely unattractive soccer mom hair helmet (asymmetrical in front, spiky in back) that should be anyone's cue to give her wide berth, lest she claw you to death. The Gosselins' neighbors bad-mouth them to the press. Rumors recently went around that Kate is too close to her handsome bodyguard. (Security detail: In just two short years, it's come to that.) From this bunker crouch, she recently poured her heart out to People: She doesn't know what to believe about Jon. She's not as bad a person as people say. The glare of celebrity is all too hot, but she's doing this for the children. (I'll give it to Kate, she is unapologetic, but those incessant lies are just too much. Let's be frank, Katie Irene. You aren't doing it for the kids, you're doing it for you and you alone. So you don't have to be like the rest of us. So you can be "special".)

The children. This is what got us here -- our strange preoccupation with people who have litters. A nation of former latchkey children raised on "Brady Bunch" reruns and the unshakable feeling that bigger families were always the happiest, now ask: Can the Gosselins find peace? Of course they can, but to do so, they would have to unplug the fame machine and give back the freebies: They've reportedly made millions from the show, starting with an estimated $25,000 to $75,000 fee per episode, plus DVD and book sales, plus speaking engagements. They've received everything from a tummy tuck (her) to hair plugs (him), and a variety of gratis trips and goodies.

Which means this is not a documentary in any true sense nor is it reality. In searching for a word that describes "Jon & Kate Plus 8," the subtlest forms of the word "abuse" spring to mind, which, alas, is why the show is so alluring. (I'd disagree here. The overt forms of "abuse" come to mind as well. Large, glaring, and on a multitude of levels.)

The Gosselins have twin daughters (Madelyn and Cara), 8, and sextuplets (Alexis, Hannah, Leah; Aaden, Collin and Joel), who will turn 5 in tonight's premiere at a screamy chaotic party. (Which was filmed a week after the fact because Kate was too busy tanning and primping to spend any time with her kids.)

"I cannot believe they are 5," Kate tells the camera (in the same tone of voice most of us would say "I cannot believe what Bernie Madoff has done"). She is deadly serious about the intensity of what she perceives to be extraordinary motherhood. The experience of starring in a TV show about her world has given her the horrifying validation of her brood's importance. "It gives me, like, a heart attack thinking about it. My youngest kids are 5 years old. It's not just a birthday; it's a celebration that we have made it five years. . . . You never get their fifth birthday back again. It's huge. ("that we have made it five years..." WTF? These are kids, not a business... oh wait, yes they are. My bad!)

"We've all known (or read the blog of) an intense mother who cannot shut up about every banal detail of the household, who (as Kate does) surrounds herself in the minutiae of the mundane -- the trips to Gymboree, the perky Bible verses on her kitchen wall. Of the unanswered mysteries in "Jon & Kate Plus 8" (what does he see in her? what could the sex possibly be like?), the most disturbing mystery is why we are compelled to watch. A typical episode serves up the sort of thing most of us would do well to avoid, especially if we already live it 24-7: temper tantrums over toys, screaming fits over sharing, toilet mishaps, minivan voyages to nowhere and back.

"Jon & Kate Plus 8" debuted in 2007 as TLC shifted from home-makeover shows (we're a long way from the quaint voyeurism of "Trading Spaces") to explorations of the domestic extreme. When it's not "Jon & Kate Plus 8," it's "18 Kids and Counting," the epically backward (and eerily sweet) story of the pious, home schooling Duggar clan in Arkansas or "Table for 12," which similarly chronicles the unremarkable Hayeses, a policeman and his wife who've two-upped the Gosselins in head count. This amounts to a lot of family time, which America, inundated with a decade or more of "family values" culture disputes, apparently hungers for. As to the relative ratings successes of TLC's "multiples" shows, prevailing theses involve some untreated, deeper loneliness in us, a fascination for the crowded house and the soothing effects of belonging to the pack. (Huh? I just like to snark on idiots.)

Also there's the anachronistic, psychological freak show: Daddy is a sure-shooter and Mommy's body is a clown car; we have no purpose other than to eat, sleep, argue, reproduce and grow. Perpetuation of the family gene pool is our only purpose, and all costs (material or emotional) are beside the point. Biologically this makes some animal sense, and it's no accident, at least on my dial, that these shows play out so close to the travails of the Serengeti.

"Jon & Kate Plus 8" rarely takes time to show any activity that would suggest an intellectual or unselfish pursuit. The focus is on structured play, adhering to the schedule, wearing matching outfits, eating matching food. It's like a holiday update letter that never ends, in which the Gosselins are mainly seen consuming resources. (Hip to this, a recent "Jon & Kate" special focused on "going green.")One look at Jon, and you know he's ready for it to end. TLC did not provide the usual preview episode to critics, as it surely scrambled to recut the season opener to address what everyone at the checkout line now knows: The Gosselins have moved again, this time to another planet. (The first sentence of this paragraph says it all. The inane business of being the Gosselins shows zero sense of intelligence.)

I realize children are involved -- and I await eight separate and contradictory memoirs, years from now -- but the producers err seriously in trying to stick to the original, cutesy story line. This thing has evolved into something Greek, something Shakespearean, something corrosive that we in the chorus (example: see the Web site called Gosselins Without Pity) love to agonize and scream over. "Jon & Kate Plus 8" should be avoided at all costs, which means the DVR should be set to capture every moment.

Jon & Kate Plus 8 (75 minutes) airs tonight at 9 on TLC.